Week 7 Discussion -Peer Review!

This is due October 15, 2017 before 11:59 pm, central time

Hello I would like you to peer review ( revise and edit) paragraph introductory #1  and the same for paragraph introductory #2 . read the instructions  carefully to know how to or what to look for during reading each introductory . These should have two separate answers for each introductory. no plagiarism please

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INTSTRUCTION: When commenting, please comment on their thesis statement and whether or  not it is effective and any other positive and constructive criticism  you find.  Can you tell where their argument is going? Can you tell they  have a plan for how they will address their issue? This is not to be a  negative assignment. I know putting your writing “out there” is  difficult. But, it’s important to receive feedback, and it will help you  become a better proofreader of your own writing. 

1.  
 
Every human on the planet has a mind full of thoughts, and an  identity formed by their thoughts of self. We at some point feel we know  ourselves fairly well, and can identify characteristics and behaviors  in others and thus label them, and they in turn use those to label us.  We believe wholeheartedly in these identities and self-appointed labels,  after all we thought of them right? What if that is not so, and who we  truly are is something beyond our own inner dialogue. This is the  philosophy known as consciousness, sometimes referred to as awakening.  The incessant ramblings inside our head are not ours, but those of the  ego, particularly in negative lines of thought, anything that makes one  become reactionary to situations or takes what someone has said  personally. Who we truly are can be discovered by shifting away from the  ego and being present in the moment, in the Now. When you leave the  grip of the ego and the unconscious state, a great sense of inner peace  emerges, and life is no longer a struggle against the current.
Is the thesis clear enough? I tend to have a hard time making them  obvious, even if they are the obligatory last sentence of the  introduction.

2.  
Due to the high social diversity in modern world, it is hard to  pick an exact title for the one who should teach the child appropriate  behavior. However, many researches and studies emphasize two main  qualifications for this arduous task. First, that person must be a  mature adult, and second, he/she must be someone with whom a child can  form a secure attachment. Therefore, to successfully teach appropriate  behavior, a child should be taught by a mature adult, regardless of the  title, through forming a secure attachment with that adult.
It is a very rough draft.. but is the topic clear? how about the thesis statement?
      

     

 

 

 

2.  
Due to the high social diversity in modern world, it is hard to  pick an exact title for the one who should teach the child appropriate  behavior. However, many researches and studies emphasize two main  qualifications for this arduous task. First, that person must be a  mature adult, and second, he/she must be someone with whom a child can  form a secure attachment. Therefore, to successfully teach appropriate  behavior, a child should be taught by a mature adult, regardless of the  title, through forming a secure attachment with that adult.
It is a very rough draft.. but is the topic clear? how about the thesis statement?
      

     

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